The First Holiday Season Without You

Copyright A Daily Dose of Toni

Dear Mom,

Thanksgiving is here…with Christmas following shortly behind. This was always a time of excitement as we got ready for the holidays and hosting friends and family at your house. I can see so clearly, in my mind, the happiness on your face and you hurrying around to get this and that done, usually not finishing until it was time to actually start eating.

I imagine you reading my posts about baking all the treats on Facebook and commenting something along the lines of “Oh, bring some here I’ll be your taste tester to make sure they are good.” You LOVED this time of year because it’s when your home would be filled to the brim. While we are still following the tradition of hosting the Thanksgiving meal in your home, it’s definitely not the same.

This year, the first year without you at the table, hurrying around the kitchen, or doing a last-minute store run because we forgot something, is not easy. I have tried to keep myself occupied by baking since the Thanksgiving break has started, but each day that brings Thanksgiving closer makes the pain flair up a little bit more. It’s strange because things I do, remind me of you and I know exactly what you’d be doing and it makes me smile all the while the pain shoots through my chest.

I’m not exactly sure how I am going to make it through the day…part of me doesn’t want to have Thanksgiving without you, but I know you wouldn’t want that. You want us to keep making memories with each other. It just sucks that a piece of our heart is missing this year (and all the years to come). I am not sure how I will feel the moment I walk through the doors to your home and you’re not there to come up and hug me, in the best mom hug you always gave, before running back to work on whatever you were trying to finish.

I’m not sure how to do this holiday season without you. Every holiday season, since I’ve been in this world, I have done with you. I want to celebrate all the reasons I have to be thankful, but there is a bit of a shadow eclipsing the holiday. I am so very thankful to still be able to get to spend the holiday with the ones I love most…but the person I’ve loved longest (you’d been the one with me since day one) is no longer here and it really sucks.

I don’t know how to do Thanksgiving without you, mom, but I’m gonna try to pull the you that is in me out, so I can do it just like you would. It doesn’t mean it will be easy and it doesn’t mean I won’t cry (like I am as I write you this letter), but it does mean I’ll reflect on everything I am so very thankful for…a God who loves me, my husband, my kids, all the rest of my family, my friend, and this year (more than ever before) thankful for the love I got to experience with you as my mom. I’ve always been so very thankful for you, and I hope you always knew.

This is just one of many firsts I will go through without you by my side and I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to get through it, but I’m sure going to do my best. I hope we talk about you and laugh and smile at the memories. I hope the sadness I feel over not having you here, will be dim (even if just for a moment) while we celebrate all the reasons we have to be thankful….because I know you would not have it any other way.

I love you and miss you so very much momma! Thank you for being the very best mom in the world and for being the first person to teach me what unconditional love was. I didn’t have you as long as I wanted to…but I’m so glad I got you for as long as I did.

Until we meet again…my love for now and always,


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Hi! I'm Toni. I am a happily married, christian, momma of 3 living on Florida's sunny Gulf Coast. I am a lifestyle blogger and Seint Arist. I started blogging when my last child was born as a way to share my love of all things travel, cooking, beauty, recipes, and more. Now pull up a chair, grab a glass of sweet tea and let's get to know each other. I truly hope you enjoy getting A Daily Dose of Toni!