Today is a day that I would usually wake up excited and ready to celebrate myself because it’s my birthday. But today I woke up and had tears streaming down my face as I lay in bed, not wanting to be awake. Wishing I could just skip over this day because today is my first birthday without you Mom.
For the last 40 years, I have woken up knowing you would likely be the first person to call me and sing “Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday my sweet Toni, Oh how I love you.” Today….my phone won’t ring with that phone call and it hurts me to my core.
41 years ago I came into this world through you. 41 years ago, this is a day you and I experienced something together that no one else could. Don’t get me wrong, I know there were other people there, but it was you who physically got me into this world and that’s something so very special.
So, today, as I sit here in my recliner…I look at my phone waiting for a call, that I know I won’t get, and my heart breaks. I saved so many voicemails, from you, thankfully. However, I didn’t save the ones when you sang me Happy Birthday, because I knew I had many, many more years of them. I wasn’t supposed to only have 40 birthdays with you.
Today is my first birthday without you. Today, I won’t get to hear you sing to me or get a card with your handwriting on it. Today, I won’t have the one who has been by my side, the longest of anyone, to celebrate with. Today, I am not sure how to celebrate because you’re not here to celebrate with me.
Maybe each birthday will get easier, but they were always such a big thing in our family because you loved a good celebration. Whether it was at home or at a movie or at the beach…we celebrated birthdays together (most of the time, but if not we talked on the phone at least) This year, my birthday just doesn’t seem as important, because I don’t get to have you here.
Today is my first birthday without you, but the one wish I have, to have you back, is one that will never come true. Miss you so much mom!
Toni Patton
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