This is a guest post from Posted by Deb Beaulieu from Spawnocalypse.
Dear Scumbag,
Congratulations–I’ve officially lost count of how many mornings I’ve opened my car door to greet your trademark glovebox dumping all over the floor and passenger seat. This time, Hubs and I actually argued over whose turn it was to speed dial the local police and wait around for them to come get our report. Once again, we can’t really report anything stolen except maybe a buck or two that may have been stashed in the ashtray. Another disappointing run, I’m sure.
Over the past year, you’ve yielded a total of, what, maybe $37? This includes the first time, when my ’96 Accord was admittedly unlocked with my purse containing a crisp $10 and $20 just hanging out on the seat. My bad. I was focused on getting my two children under the age of two in the house safely–making a heart-thumping two trips because I only have so many hands. (But as it turns out, you seem to be indifferent as to whether my property is locked or unlocked.)
The officer who came that day–a day I was so shaken I called out of work (I was new at this)–also advised I try to keep anything, even McDonald’s wrappers, from being visible in the car. I have not heeded that advice as much as I should. Even though my oldest can now walk semi-reliably from point A to point B while I carry the other one, I still tend to leave the daycare bags in the backseat during the five days the kids are at home. They are bulky and–as you know–the interior of my house doesn’t have a lot of storage space. Did you think I was hiding drugs in my one-year-old’s sippy cup?
At the time, I thought you crossed the line when you let yourself in an open downstairs window so you could skulk around in my house while we were all asleep. But I really should apologize for forgetting that leaving a window cracked is code for “Scumbag, help yourself.” I also owe you a big thanks for not burning the place down with the cigarette butt you let melt a hole in the deck chair you used to climb into the top half of my window (I’ll leave a rope ladder next time).
I should also send you an Edible Arrangement (do they have something special just for scumbags?) for bringing a real-life CSI detective into my home to entertain the pants off my 26-month-old during the fingerprinting/photo-taking/evidence collecting process. I just need your address–K? No, it’s not too much. Really.
Oh, Scumbag–you’ve spent so much time here, you are practically part of the family. So since we’re so tight, I’ll let you in on a secret. We have nothing to freaking take, at least not that you seem to want. You’ve passed on our camera (good call, since it drains batteries in about a day, even when off) and Hub’s GPS (it’s sent me in circles plenty of times–another smart move) and left our credit cards and empty checkbook alone (since those would be traceable, huh?). We are fresh out of the green stuff. And so help you–and everyone on the planet–if you get close enough to my son to touch his piggy bank containing exactly $1.
I realize you may have a drug problem and need just a few bucks to hold you over so you don’t get the shakes. And apparently you’ve confused the jumble of empty juice boxes and toy cell phones in my backseat for petty cash. I want to help. I’ll go get my Sharpies and some neon cardboard and leave you a big sign on the dash. It’ll read:
“No money here. Keep the fuck out, Scumbag.”
Hope that helps cement our relationship.
Sincerely yours,
House on the Corner with No Cash or Drugs
*Note from Toni: This post cracked me up as I was reading, colorful language (which you don’t see here often LOL), a theif that leaves with nothing or next to it, you can’t help but laugh when reading this. I hope you all got a kick out of her as much as I did and who knows maybe she will grace us again here at a daily dose, if we don’t try steal from her LOL.
Toni Patton
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Great post! I think my friend need to write one of these letters to the jerk(s) that keep breaking into her car.
….and I thought our neighbors were whacked *sheesh* what a lowlife!
Thought this post was hysterical and I LOVE guest bloggers! Thanks so much! pS TONI… great choice and have a safe trip!
Hilariously written, but then again HOW HORRIBLE! I hate the helpless feeling of being taken from. Boo to that.
Niiiice. What's with some people?
This post made me laugh so hard and yet at the same tome be so mad…
Who does this person think they are? Rummaging in your car? Sneaking in your house? I feel violated and it's not my stuff!
Get some help…
This is a wonderful post – although I wish it is one you didn't even have to write about…geez. In your car was bad enough but in your house too???
Thanks for the laughs and I hope scumbag will leave you alone now.
That is CRAZY! I loved the way you wrote it though. You were cracking me up:)
We had someone to steal gas from our tank right in front of our house and they were so nice to leave the cap on the top of the car as a warning.
Yeah….BALLSY huh? LOL
http://www.tanyetta.com/2007/06/open-letter-to.html
Thanks so much for the comments! It felt good to write this, to try to laugh about it–even though I so wish it weren't a true story. The first thing I do every morning is still look for signs of invasion (which is tricky, since the kids often have it looking like a frat house around here). The good news is there have been no incidents since I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.
Toni, thanks again for letting me moonlight, and I would love to do it again sometime!
Happy 4th, everyone!
Great post. Well written, the post was halarious, yet it made very serious and valid points.
It's so sad that people are willing to steal from others to support their habits. I'm so grateful that I haven't encountered this problem in my neighborhood.