When you try to tell a female that a breakup is not her fault, chances are while deep inside she knows that, part of her will always feel the “if only I had done this different” feeling. I was one of those women.
Many of you may not know, that before I had the wonderful soulmate I am married to now, I was married before. I was happy, I was in love, I was stupid. I centered my life around this man of my past and my happiness depended on him. Oh the mistakes we make and learn from. Well the marriage eventually ended and I was plagued with thoughts such as:
“If only I had been prettier” “Maybe I should have been skinnier” “I should have dressed cuter, did my hair different”.
The one that really got to me was the skinny though. At 102 lbs and 5 foot 3 inches I was hardly big or even average in the weight department. But when I looked in the mirror I saw nothing but flaws. I saw fat rolls, I saw cellulite and clothes that made my body look horrible. At this time I was a mom so it’s only normal that my body was not going to be prebaby ever again but that wasn’t good enough for me.
I knew I could be skinnier, I knew I could look “better” and I just had to because I wouldn’t make the mistake of being the cause of ruining a relationship ever again. So that’s when my journey of smoking cigarettes, diet pills and energy pills began. While I was not what you would call anorexic because I did eat food, I love food. Nor was I bulimic because personally I am not a puker, me and upchuck do not mix well. So the compromise for me was boost my metabolism and curb the snacking between meal urges with pills and puffs.
I was so proud to know I was going to be “beautiful” and thin and this would solidify any relationship I had in the future. I at one point was down to 00 size clothing just for length in jeans (that was still a bit big on me)and girls size 14 in capri’s and shorts. I was thin but when I looked in the mirror even though proud, I still looked “fat”. I always saw the flaws never the beauty.
Finally there came a point in my life, when I was able to accept I was beautiful, it was not becuase of my looks that my relationship ended. I turned to God and cried out to him that I couldn’t go on living that way and I needed his help to get out of the situation I was in. To not feel like I was worthless and hideous. To let go of “the perfect body” image and to see me the way He saw me, he created me in His image and when I grasped that, I grasped I may never be “perfect” but I was beautiful. Then and only then was I able to put away the pills and see that I was beautiful and what I looked like or what size I was not the cause for a relationship to begin or end.
I am happy, healthy non-smoking size 3/5 today and weigh 110 lbs. Though when I look in the mirror I still see the flaws,I wonder if I will ever not see them. I am sure this is something I will forever deal with. I still have thoughts when I miss a meal how easy it would be to just “miss” a few more and that could rid me of that pudge or little extra love handle. But now when I think thoughts like that, I automatically make myself get up and eat that meal I think I could get away with “missing” because I dont’ want to fall back into the vicious cycle that I once was in.
Body image is a big thing with so many people, both men and women. It’s an issue that needs to be paid attention to. Just because someone is eating and not throwing it up or eating period doesn’t mean the don’t have body image issues and are “controlling” it somehow. It’s a hard subject for me to talk about because well I haven’t shared my situation with many people but if this even opens one persons eyes and they realize they are beautiful or helps someone struggling with any sort of eating disorder or body image problem, then I have succeded.
Sometimes someone just needs to be reminded that they are beautiful. God created a perfect person when he created you. When overcome with the need to point out the flaws you think you have, counter back with 2 “perfections” you have going for you. Don’t let flaws tarnish the shine of the beauty you have!
Toni Patton
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I’ve told you before how I struggled with this same problem. It is only by God’s grace and love that I can move on from my past and not fall into those patterns again.
Thanks for sharing your story. Someone, somewhere, needs to hear this and be encouraged.
So say we all – I love it and I am so glad you found the courage to write this post =}
This is a truly amazing post, a post I totally relate to. I completely agree the issues of body image and self esteem should have more attention paid to them. Thanks for shining the spotlight on the issue.
That was beautifully written Toni, and should be a reminder for all of us. Especially when you have a negative thought to counter back with 2 perfections. That is something I am going to start doing, and instill in my children as well.
I had a similar problem as a teen, and it was not healthy. I am tired of the emphasis put on body image, and I know a a lot of it has to do with tv, and the stick think actresses.
Thank you for sharing with us – I am glad you received the guidance you needed to help you through this. You are beautiful! No matter what!
Toni, thank you for sharing your story! Beautifully written, maybe you should send this to Teen Cosmo or Seventeen-it really might make a difference in someone’s life!
I don’t believe there is a women in the world who cannot identify with this post! It is amazing, and so very true. I did the same thing after my breakup with my husband of 25 years even though it was the right thing to do and I knew it, it is a women thing. We think we are responsible, but it takes two and maybe HE was the one who could have been thinner or whatever. W just don’t consider it.
Thanks for sharing this post, Toni. It was great.
Thank you for your post! Eating disorders are such a personal matter. That must have taken a lot of courage to share. I’m thankful I’ve never gotten into dangerous behavior, but I do sometimes have a hard time ignoring the flaws. Perhaps everyone does to some extent. I hope your message touches those who are needing it. It touched me!
thank you for sharing Toni. I sent you an e-mail. hope you read it?
Wow, I agree with ShaRhonda! Thank you for opening up and putting yourself out there, you are one brave soul.
Even though I’ve always want to find a quick fix to weight gain, I’ve never been tempted to pick up cigarettes. I’d rather be pudgy than put those things to my lips. So good for you, giving them up and getting healthy!
Toni, wow what a post. I don’t know why women ever bother to look in the mirror. You are so right, we are mostly not happy when looking in the mirror.
I worked really hard and took off 35 pounds. I’ve now added back 5 of them and know I have to get them back off.
Its hard very hard. I lost 30 pounds five years ago and I was happy. I married had another child. I lost all the weight pretty much the first month. Then 15 pounds camer back with a vengance. Im still struggling because im having knee problems again but i tell myself every day its ok it will get better. Oh and I quit smoking two weeks ago so that doesnt help hahah
Fabulous post 🙂
great post Toni, I once had a friend tell me that she thinks all women have this struggle just at varying degrees, I too do it from time to time, and am glad you posted about this great reminder that we should accept who we are!
Thanks for sharing something very personal.