and completely letting down my guard. I was just listening to some Jennifer Knapp and just talking with God and it came upon this song:
I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I’ve fought for my own selfish gain
You’re my God and my Father
I’ve accepted your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?
Lord, come with your fire
Burn my desires; refine meLord
my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me
My heart can’t see
When I only look at me
My soul can’t hear
When I only think of my own fears
They are gone in a moment
You’re forever the same
Why did I look away from You
How can I speak Your name?
Lord, come with Your fire
burn my desires; refine meLord,
my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
It’s all I can do
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray
Lord, come with Your fire, burn my desires;
refine meLord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free meCome rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You
Refine me,
refine me
Refine me,
refine me
To say that it touched me is an understatement, it completely says exactly how I feel. Ever since I have moved to Arkansas I have just not have the relationship with God that I used to have. I don’t have a church where I feel like I am “home”. Now I know you go to church to worship and pray but if you can’t feel comfortable it’s really hard to enter into that level of worship you are desiring to be. I miss dancing, I miss it more than anything.
It’s so hard to explain. I still spend time with God daily but I know I am not where I should be. I know I need a lot of work. I have been hurt and angry and sad and because I am not in the place with God I should be I tend to hold onto all of this and let it just fester instead of just giving it to him. I am getting better. I am praying about things and people that should and should not be in my life and I already see a difference in areas of my life where people have been removed and I feel like there are others that will eventually be out of my life and I am okay with that. I am at peace in areas of my life where I wasn’t before but I want more. I want to have a place where I can connect with people who will encourage me and support me (along with the friends I have that do now) that will pray with me and for me and I will for them.
There is a lot in my life that God has opened my eyes to and I have made necessary changes but I know that there is so much more he wants to “fix” and I am ready for him to. I am just ready to be back in the place I once was and move forward not stay stagnant. So that’s todays baring of the soul! Thanks for reading!
Toni Patton
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Oh I feel ya! I loved to NY from CA where I was born and raised and my pastor in CA was my husbands pastor when he was a kid so it was a very special place for us and hard for us to find a church here in NY that we loved. We are going to a church now and it doesnt feel like HOME completely but we just keep praying that God will lead us where we can grow! I will keep you in my prayers for God to continue to touch your heart and lead you!
Bless you bless you bless you for being so honest and so real!
That was beautifully said Toni.I have been feeling a little spiritually disconnected lately, too. Sometimes I let the daily grind get in my way.
hey toni!!! my dear friend….I am the same way…feel the same way at times….God leads us in ways we may not understand at the time…but once we do….the relief we feel is AMAZING!! I will keep you in my prayers!! and know he will guide you in the right direction for your life!!
Jennifer Knapp is one of our favorite Christian artists. Her voice is phenomenal and her lyrics are deep. We all go through these valleys. I think I’m on the edge of the end of one. I find that there’s something I’m doing that is preventing me from being close to God. As for your church, pray that God can use it to help you worship Him and feel more connected to Him. You’ll make it!
I talk to him in my own place I too haven’t found a church…but he loves me anyway!
Toni, I wrote a post about the exact same thing last month. I left the Church that a grew up in b/c I no longer felt connected. We are trying a new Church and there is a sign on the altar that reads, “FORWARD IN FAITH.” Everytime I see it, I am reminded of why I am there.
Oh man I know EXACTLY what you mean. At my old church I was one of the Worship leaders and we had built an amazing band over the years. God worked in so many incredible ways through us, and it was awesome to be a part of it. When I moved, it took me over a year to find a church that even came close to feeling like “home”…and I have yet to find a place in ministry there. I miss the closeness to God that I felt when leading worship. I miss the community that knew me so well. I miss being a part of something bigger, instead of just a recipient in the pews. I’m on the same road – trying to get some of that intimacy with God back without getting discouraged by what seems to be lacking in my church life. I’ll pray for your journey!
God places people and things in our way and whether or not we choose to SEE what God wants us to do is difficult becuase sometimes what he wants is not what we think we need.
Keep your eyes on the Lord and the answers and quietness and calmness will come 🙂
You are all so kind. Your words and encouragement have touched my heart. thank you so much for that, that in and of itself is more than I could ask for. the prayers are much appreciated and I hope you will all bear with me on my journey as I am sure there will be many a posts to read about it in the future
Wow Toni! The Lord completely guided me towards your blog tonight and how awesome this is to come and read!
I understand completely where you are. It’s hard with every day life, to find time to spend with the Lord and pray and really feel like your “there”. Pray for guidance and wisdom. The Lord knows your heart and knows the desires of your heart. He will guide your steps and will most definitely give you a deeper relationship with Him than you could have ever thought possible.
As far as friends, I agree with you here. There are friends that only come into our life for a season. We are meant to touch them in some way and they move on. We don’t want to keep people around us that are going to bring us down in any way, especially when we are trying to move forward with our walk with the Lord. Pray for guidance here as well!
If you ever want to chat, you know how to contact me through my site. I will definitely be praying for you as you begin the journey to a deeper relationship with the Lord.
God Bless!