Guest Post by Catherine from What Matters.
10 Tips for the Extended Family Vaycay
We are the least forgiving, as it turns out, of our own families.
We get together for any amount of time with these grown-ups we knew so intimately as children, and we expect stuff. Raised together, we imagine that our siblings should want what we want. When our children are with our parents, we think they do things the way we do things. We want others to respect how we relate to our own kids and we, truth told, would rather they approach family life… like us. They should, right?
The realization of that ideal is often, ehrrr, a little messier, when houses mesh for the annual combined-family vacation.
Here’s the thing: when we become parents, we all form our new reality differently. We try to find answers, we try to “do right,†and we each absorb, deflect, respect, or ignore different bits. We react to, and reject – or accept, and apply –methods of our parents. Raised by the same people, we each take a hold of different bits when it’s time to raise our own littler people.
And sometimes our ways of doing things don’t mesh.
We get together, quarters are tight, expectations are high (we’re here to have FUN, damnit!) There are those of us (the biologically connected among us) that know entirely too much about each other to be consistently generous and kind when others don’t do as they Should. There are others (those joining the clan through marriage or other affiliation) we didn’t PICK, so we don’t necessarily try to figure out. It is a recipe for tension, certainly.
So, to help get through the summer – including that one trip to the beach house, the lake, the mountains- with the beloved famn damily…here they are. Ten tips.
They won’t solve everything, but they may help. A little.
- Relax. In as much as you can, take down your guard and get to know the others as adults. Try your level-headed best to treat these people as you would strangers brought together for a happy occasion. Be generous, and forgive these people for being who they are. Enjoy the familiarity that lets you drop your guard.
- It’s a trip, not a vacation. Any notions you have of sleeping in, spending long lazy days with a book , in a hammock…skinny-dipping in a hidden cove… spontaneous day trips to the beach… while not impossible, are no longer ‘relaxing’ options. Approach each as an Adventure. Like so much of parenthood. When you have kids, vacation time is de facto be more about your Littles than about you. Accept that part, and be grateful for the breaks when they happen.
- Plan meals. When you have a crowd, decision-making by committee needs to be stripped to the minimum. When everyone has Job to do, and knows when to do it, it allows for the ‘hosting’ party (of the particular meal) escape to prepare… and allows for others to relax (and watch the kids.) If you have older kids in the mix, give them something to do.
- Bed times and separated family. Honor bed times. Make it later than usual – since it is summer – but still provide structure. Kids are better rested, and adults get some hang-out time once they are asleep. Ease them to sleep, give them a little one-on-one time, then go enjoy living for a short time with other adults.
- Assume that no events are mandatory. Plan outings, but leave room for people to branch off and “do their own thing.†If everyone is given room for their own plans, there is bound to be less resentment.. Take on other children. If there is a kid-focused outing, encourage other to break away. Also, be willing to leave your kids with others. Set a pattern of reciprocation early. It is one of the great benefits of extended family that there are other adults around that you (theoretically) trust. Take advantage.
- Keep a well-stocked bar. Alcohol, of course, for some – if that works with your crowd (be responsible and all that, and do recognize that it has the potential to make you edgy with your own kids and others). But apply the concept more broadly: a breakfast bar with options (2-3 kinds of cereal, baked goods, coffee, juices); a lunch bar with cold cuts; a dessert bar for sundae-experimentation. Enable some meals to be ‘do it yourself.’
- Plan some kid-specific activities. For the first several years, the children will not be able to self-govern, or self-entertain. But even once they are old enough, they still enjoy some planned activities: tie-dying T-shirts with the cousins, making hand-print tiles for grandparents; ‘field day’ competitions.
- Don’t judge. Other people have different parenting rules. You will tolerate less from nephew Timmy than you do you your own darling Jack. Avert your eyes, take a deep breath. Store it up. Then revel in it with your spouse after hours.
- Board games. Aside from the one hyper-competitive relative in every group, games break tension. If you are playing cards, the Wii, or charades, chances are good there isn’t a lot of room for forays into deep and distressing conversations best saved for when there are fewer people.
- Stock kid stuff. Children over the age of six can and should be expected to entertain themselves some of the time. Stock up on the age-appropriate things they will like that are within your comfort zone: volleyball net or tetherball, sidewalk chalk, Nerf or water guns, whiffle ball…whatever might buy you a quick 20 minutes to get back to that book.
*Note from Toni: What a great post and this fits perfectly with right now because as you all know I am on vacation. Thank you Catherine for this wonderful post I hope many others get as much out of it as I did when I got my sneak peek in email 🙂
Toni Patton
Latest posts by Toni Patton (see all)
- My Mid-Life Crisis Enrolled in College Without Asking Me First - March 27, 2026
- Drinking Around the World at Epcot Won’t Make You Feel Better… - July 27, 2025
- Sunsets Are My Reminder… - May 27, 2024
