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Grief…You’re Never As Prepared As You Think

Grief…..a deep sorrow. Grief doesn’t even seem like the word that fits what I feel right now.

On July 2, 2020, my world was shattered. My mom, my life long best friend, lost her battle to cancer. While my sisters and I were holding her hands, she took her final breath and went to her heavenly home. She was only 57 years old. I thought we had many more years together. One day she was here and then the next day she wasn’t. Even though I know it is my new reality it doesn’t seem real.

My mom was such a vibrant person, she never met a stranger and people’s lives were made better just for having her in it. I don’t know why God decided I was the one meant for her (or her for me, whichever way you look at it) but I am so grateful he did. Although that makes it almost harder….to have a mom who is such an inspiration, a best friend, an example to follow, the loss is so beyond any pain I’ve ever felt I am not quite sure how life will ever go back to normal. There are so many time, each day, that I’ve wanted to just pick up the phone and call her, for nothing other than to chat as we did daily, but she’s not here to answer me anymore.

It still doesn’t feel real. I feel like she’s just gone to preach at a conference and will walk back through the door saying “Heyyyy, I’m baaaccckk my girl”. I’m not sure how to ever truly accept that the world I live in is now without my mother, my best friend. I feel like it’s a bad dream that I just can’t get out of. I’m so up and down. One moment I seem to “okay” (I use that term loosely) then the next, I am consumed with so much grief and sadness, it’s physically painful.

A New Normal

This is my new normal…a world without my momma, my best friend. I hope one day I will be able to make it through and “come to terms” with my mother not being here, for lack of a better phrase. I just find it hard to believe I’ll ever truly come to terms with it. In hard times, she is the first one I would call, so I feel a little extra lost right now. But at least I know she is celebrating in heaven and dancing with her Father God in fields of grace. One sweet day I’ll be dancing in heaven with her.

Living for God every single day and making sure to impact as many people as she could with the time she was given here on this earth, is how my mom lived. She wanted everyone to know the goodness of God. I hope, like her, people always see God through me. Trust God, Love People, and Walk in Integrity is the motto she lived by and instilled in me. I will carry on her legacy as very best I can!

I know God doesn’t ever put us through more than we can handle. I don’t know that I will ever understand why my momma had to go, especially so young, but I do know (thanks to my momma being the person who helped lead me to you and inspired me to always trust and have faith and rely on God in every circumstance) that I will do my best to keep going and god will keep holding me through it all, carrying me when I feel like I can’t carry myself. Right now, His strength is the only thing that is getting me through this time (and that could be through the words/actions of family and friends, through spending time in the word and just feeling His presence). In the words of Lauren Daigle, “You say I am strong when I think I am weak.”

I’m sure she is having the absolute most amazing time, in heaven and for that, I am so happy for her. She is pain and cancer-free. I wanted nothing more than for her to be both of those things, I just thought it would be while she was here on earth with us. Now the pain I felt for her as she walked through her, on and off, twelve-year cancer battle is transferred into the pain I feel that she is no longer here with me. One day, maybe, the pain will be bearable…I just am not sure how that will be possible, but all things are possible with God.

My mom truly always was (and still is) my sunshine.  To anyone who has lost someone they love and feel like the pain is unbearable and you aren’t sure how you will get through this, I understand. I am sorry you have ever had to go through this kind of pain and if I could snap my fingers and make the pain go away, I would because I do not want anyone to feel this deep hurt. Know that I am praying for you. Let yourself feel what you need to feel because that is the first step to healing (saying this to myself too).

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Momma…I miss you!

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Toni is a professional lifestyle blogger living on the sunny Florida Gulf Coast. She has a passion for Disney, Travel, Fashion, Cooking, Tech, Family Fun Ideas, Reviews, Giveaways and loves being able to share that with her readers!

Latest posts by Toni Patton (see all)

Comments

  1. 1

    It just doesn’t even seem real. She was the closest thing to Jesus I’ve ever encountered!! You are blessed to call her momma! Hold tight to your memories and carry on her legacy sweet girl!! ?

    • 2

      Even now, it still doesn’t seem real. I just keep expecting her to walk back into the house. I will definitely do my very best to carry on her legacy. And yes, I was blessed beyond measure that God chose her for my momma 🙂

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