I distinctly remember being pregnant with my middle and when I was 7 months feeling that first twinge of uncomfortableness and was like “What is this going on in my back neither regions?” I didn’t think too much of it because it was not horribly uncomfortable but just so that it was annoying. Well about a week after that first twinge I swear to you my bootay-hole felt as if it was giving birth.
I remember being in tears and having to leave work. Imagine me, with a big baby belly, waddling down the store trying to keep my legs as far apart as I possibly can without looking like a freak to keep the pain to a minimum. It was not fun. That day was a Friday and we were going to my mother in laws house and when I say that has to be the worst 2 hour drive of my life I am not exaggerating. It was pure hell.
I had my little donut of course but that piece of plastic crap is nothing but a lie that caused you to have false hope. When your backside is in the worst pain of your life you want anything to relieve the pain and those donuts did nothing for me. So when you have hemorrhoids don’t believe the lie the doctors and pharmacists tell you, the donut is a p.o.s! I will admit that a hot hot hot bath that my little bottom could sit in relieved that pain ever so slightly so I spent the better part of my weekend in and out of the bath.
*oh and a note, they don’t work well in the bath, you see i thought the little blown up donut was supposed to go in the bath too, imagine a pregnant woman trying to sit on what is basically a float, did not go to well I was slipping all over the place in that tub.
Come Monday I got in to my ob because they were absolute horror and hell for me. I go in and of course strip down *cue pole dancing music, nothing sexier than a pregnant stripper right*. I lay on the lovely oh so comfortable table and assume the stir up position. Well the doctor comes in and goes to check my new no so little friends and his eyes get huge.
“Good Lord this is bad”
*Mental note moment when a doctor doesn’t even try to conceal his shock you know this is a bad case of hemorrhoids or a bad case of anything if they have that reaction!
Um yes I could have told you that oh lovely doctor who is charging out the wazoo for this visit I am sure, try having these on your bum, not able to sit or lay any way that your bum touches the bed and being 7 months pregnant so unable to lie on the belly. If I would have had the money I would have rented one of those pregnancy massage tables just to have some relief of side laying. It sucked! So the doctor sends me to the……………
PROCTOLOGIST *gasp*!
OMG I am only 25 (or 23 whatever same difference) and I have to go to the proctologist. Isn’t that something you “have to look forward” to when you get old?
So I go, pouting all the way I might add, and do the same strip routine as before. The lady doc does her duty *giggle* and informs me it is a “name I can’t remember at this moment” type and they usually last 14 days and since I have had it about 10 it should go away soon. Well that’s just fine and dandy but until then can you maybe sedate me to sleep so I forget that I have it? No such luck.
Home and annoyed, though on the bright side I did get a medical leave note from my doctor because we think Aidan was so low that being up all day for 8 hours is one of the things that caused them to be so bad. I sat in baths and watched TLC’s a baby story and boo hooed all day (I claim insane hormones for making me cry at everything). Sure enough in about 4 days the annoyance of my rear end went back into hiding. And all was well in my world, well until the next occurrence anyways.
Hemorrhoids are a big pain in the arse, literally. The unfortunate thing about our little (or not so little) friends is that once we have them they are always there and they decide to peep out and you get to live with the uncomfortableness once again. Thank God in heaven that no flare up I have had since has been to that horrible point because I tell you I was miserable. So if you have little hole blocking bubbles that feel like you are birthing a child out the wrong place and you don’t know what is going on, chances are you have hemorrhoids and I will totally sympathize with you! But don’t worry you are not alone and hopefully your ever after will be full of not so many flare ups.
Now when we all go to BlogHer you all will be wondering “Is Toni having a flare up” but you will never know :). It’s taboo Thursday and we covered hemorrhoids, this should be a much more talked about topic among pregnant women because you know one day some poor girl is going to think she has a horrible disease because she never heard of this curse. So sad, so sad. So people unite and bring up hemorrhoids, don’t be ashamed, you never know you may just help someone in need (okay not in the literal sense but you get my drift).
So have you ever had a case of the booty raisins (or in my case it felt like a watermelon…heaven help me)? I can’t be the only one admitting to this taboo topic today…go ahead, spill it! Happy Thursday everyone, have a wonderful, hemorrhoid free day!
Toni Patton
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No ONE mentioned this would happen to me when I was pregnant with my first almost 15 yrs ago. OUCH! What a horrid surprise that was. I was much more prepared the second time around. When I see all of those Johnson & Johnson baby commercials with the perfect looking pregnant women with no blemishes, stretch marks, mask of pregnancy, or an ounce of fat anywhere else – I just wanna puke. And I secretly wish hemorrhoids on them.. ;P
Oh wow – that is horrible…you poor thing! I would admit it if I had them, but I am extra thankful now that I haven't (even with 2 kids). I'm petrified now (not having anymore kids but still), but I know who to turn to if it happens.
Thanks for sharing this taboo subject – I think it's a good thing.
I've had ONE my entire life and it was after giving birth to my daughter. I feel for you!
hahahahhahhahah…………hahahahahah……..whew!! Okay, I think I'm better now. That was hilarious. Anyhow, I experience that problem after giving birth. All that pushing pushed out all kinds of stuff. Thanks for sharing that most intimate part of yourself. Though i must say I think I would have preferred a VLOG
Oh, now I'm nervous. I never had problems with my first pregnancy but now….will I get them? My friend had them during her pregnancy and she was miserable.
I'm praying the "raisins" away. 🙂
OUCH! You poor thing. I never experienced it as bad as you. Tucks pads WERE my bff post-partum, though.
I swear, people don't tell us these things because then no one would have kids. 😉 I know they're worth it, but our poor bodies…ouch again.
I lucked out on the arse part (compared to you), but my pH balance got all out of whack my last pregnancy, and I had kidney stones. WHILE PREGNANT. THAT was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, even more so than labor pains.
I had a similar situation with my 4th pregnancy. It was the worst thing ever! I wouldn't even wish it on my biggest enemy! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Uuggghhh! I had them for the last month of my pregnancy and imagine my HORROR when the doctor and the nurse delivering my baby started TALKING about them! AAAAHHHHHH! I wanted to absolutely curl up and crawl in a hole!
OMG!! I had that lovely experience while I was 7 months pregnant with my third. I had no idea what the heck it was. I was in such bad pain that I went to the ER in hopes of getting some meds for the pain. I was in tears and desperate. LOL Apparently my body helped me by going into early labor. YIKES I ended up having a reaction to the meds they gave me to stop my contractions and ended up in ICU but . . .I got my pain meds. LOL. I do not reccomend doing it that way. But man That was worse than being in labor! UGH!
Varicose veins of the ass! I wasn't even pregnant when I found my first set, but I wasn't eating properly either. Eat your fibre people, MCD everyday of the week? not good!
I didn't get them until after I had the baby. Must have pushed out more than a little boy I guess. So there I was recovering w/ stitches down there (yeah tmi I know) and those butt raisins… lovely
LOL You're so brave..
I actually got them while giving birth.. to both of my kids but it got worse after having my son. For me it isn't that bad. My SIL however had to have surgery after having her third child because hers were extremely painful and awful.
Im one , I admit that I had them with the last 3 ! I didnt even know what they were before and it was not fun! They are horrible and I feel for anyone that gets them! Great article Toni!
when you told about the ride in the car being the worst experience – I know exactly how you feel. noone should ever be that acutely aware of their asshole, mkay? it's the sickest kind of biological joke and it's definately on my list of shit to discuss with God when the time comes.
Eep! Nope, I didn't get them. The worst thing I got when I was pregnant {and rare as it is} was shingles. That was horrible, I still have scars.
Anyway, I'm thankful I never got them…even more so now after reading your taboo story! Crazy!
Eep! Nope, I didn't get them. The worst thing I got when I was pregnant {and rare as it is} was shingles. That was horrible, I still have scars.
Anyway, I'm thankful I never got them…even more so now after reading your taboo story! Crazy!