I don’t question a lot of things. I have a pretty open heart but sometimes the strength I exude on the outside isn’t what I am really feeling inside. I am strong for everyone. I am happy for everyone. I don’t get angered easily. I smile because I don’t want the world to know what is going on but rather I help others through their valleys, then I don’t have to focus on mine.
If I don’t focus on it, it will get better or just go away. Or that’s what I tell myself. I used to have friends I talked to every day and just talking to them made my day brighter. Times change and people get busy. I still have wonderful friends who I would trust with my life and my kids lives but I miss the friends I have that I laughed and cried with on a daily or at the very least a weekly basis.
People judge me based on other things than actually taking time to get to know me. People don’t take time to get to know me, to know who I am. They see the happy me I put out there most of the time. They don’t see the days I feel I am in a deep pit and feel like I am drowning. Maybe that’s partly my fault because of the hurts I have had from people I trusted it’s hard for me to let people in. But when you look past the smile you will see someone who has a wonderful life yes, but still wants to know she is needed and wanted.
I want to know I have a friend who will know when something is wrong and will pick up the phone and call. I used to have several friends like that but things happened, distance happened, and now I wonder if I will ever have that type of friend again. The one who feels when something is wrong or right with me.
I thought it was strength that made me be strong for everyone else, strength that made me paste the smile on my face even when I am hurting so I can help others that are hurting, strength that made me say “it’s okay to help others my time will come” but now I wonder if what I thought was strength may actually be weakness in some circumstances.
And I end with this. I miss the ones who used to be and hope to have the ones so connected to me I don’t need to tell them anything but rather they just know again. I know God has a plan and the perfect friends, real friends, for me. Until then I will just hide under His wing and let him give me the strength I need. He is my comforter. He is my friend. He is the one who will bring me out of the hard times. I just have to trust.
Toni Patton
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Toni, this was so beautiful and touched me. I felt your heart, soul, and thoughts regarding this need and please know I will be praying. I would also love and be honored to one day be one of those friends for you! I’ve been feeling the exact same way as what you wrote and it is like you took the words right out of mouth. I think you are a very special and wonderful Christian woman and anyone that would have that close friendship with you would be so blessed! Thanks for sharing and I’m here – look forward to getting to know you more!
Hugs and God Bless,
Kandi
Toni,
I acknowledge your realness and vulnerability in sharing. It sounds like it’s a conflicting place to be.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!