As a parent I could not imagine not seeing my children for several days let alone years.  If something kept me from being able to see them for long periods of time  I would be calling them and treasure the times I knew I would get to see them.
Also as a child, having parents that love me and help me out in a bind I would make sure every day they knew how much I appreciated and loved them. Â Even if I didn’t need their help for anything I would still make sure they knew how much I cared and how thankful I was for them being a great parent.
Well unfortunately some parents don’t give a crap and some children don’t give a crap either.  Rather they are selfish, self centered and don’t have a “do the right thing” bone in their body.  All I know is I would not want to be standing next to that person (or their spouse because they are just the same) when lightning strikes.
Here on A Daily Dose I am very against bringing family matters to a post but you know what…30 years of not being given the love I deserved from my biological father, along with years of watching him treat my grandparents like poo when they are the ones who help his butt out every time he needs it, I will be saying my peace.  I will keep it as nice as possible.  Now you won’t catch me bashing my in laws, bringing fights with my husband (the rare ones LOL), or saying anything negative about my mom on here.  It has actually taken a lot to do this post because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to.  However I want thoughts on this so I am sharing.
The last time I saw my dad was roughly 5 years ago WHEN I WENT TO VISIT HIM. We can count the number of times he has come to see me (even when I lived close) on two hands…sad huh. Â While on the subject of him seeing me just so you get the picture, I danced for 15 years. Â Every year I had a recital and out of those I still remember the ONE he came to. Â I remember being so excited backstage and thinking to myself “I will do my very best and maybe he will come back next year” WHAT CHILD SHOULD HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IMPRESSING A PARENT TO GET THEM TO COME BACK TO SOMETHING!!! So you can see how often he was around I am sure from that.
From him I rarely got calls on holidays such as birthdays and Christmas. Â He didn’t come to see any of his grandchildren when they were born, he didn’t come to my graduation, nor to my wedding. Â What kind of person does that?? Â Luckily for him his mother (my Maw) is one of the most caring people I have ever encountered and stood in where he should be, so if you want to know why she and I are super close it’s because she was there for me. Â I love my grandparents and my aunt. Â I think my father gets mad that they are always going on and on about me but maybe just maybe if he had went on about me at all they wouldn’t have so much.
Well moving on.  As if the way he treats me or lack of treatment at all isn’t bad enough the way he does my grandparents pisses me off even more.  They do and do for him and as long as he needs something he will call and be kind, like when his ac unit went out they put in a new unit for him.  After it was done all the sudden he had problems with my grandma (for something I posted on facebook, go figure) and hasn’t bothered to call or anything and has been nothing but an gluteus maximus hole to her.  While I was there this weekened (Thur-Sun) he didn’t bother to call or come by and I was five minutes away from his house.
What kind of person treats the ones who love them the most like that. Â It sickens me the way people can sit back and play the victim when really they are jerks. Â I am 30 years old I should be used to him not caring or showing love to me but I am not. Â I guess because I can’t fathom not showing my children love the thought is in my mind…It must be me, what can I do to fix it.
I drove home 9. 5 hours yesterday and cried on and off the whole time because of him not wanting to see me while I was there. Â I don’t want to care anymore, in fact there are times I wish I could hate him but I am not a person that hates anyone. Â However just not caring and having no more tears would suffice.
So how does one stop caring over a situation that deep in your heart you know will never change? Â I would love to know.
And now we shall return to your regularly scheduled, non rant posts here on A Daily Dose of Toni…see it really is a daily dose of me..you get to experience today’s emotions.
Toni Patton
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I’m sorry Toni. How incredibly hurtful. I can only say it is truly your dad’s loss that he doesn’t make you a part of his life. Hugs.
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..MagnaPods why must you make me love you MORE? =-.
oh Toni! Are you sure we are not sharing a brain?
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I still find myself questioning what I did wrong to deserve to be unloved by my father. After my Mom left him when I was 11 he went off and had another family. We were no longer his children, unless he NEEDED something. I wanted him in my life so bad. I used to go there as a teen and get so upset because he would call my half sister my nickname and act like I wasn’t even there. I would rationalize it by saying well at least I can be close to him. I was trying to fill the round hole in my heart with a square peg.
He wasn’t there for me. He didn’t come to any of my events, my graduation, my college graduation, he didn’t even CALL when I found out I had cervical cancer. He just shrugged it off when my brother called him to tell him anything about us.
The worst was a few years ago when his wife kicked him out. With nowhere to go he showed up on my doorstep after not seeing him for 6 years. He called and asked to ‘drop by’ because he missed me. Of course I said yes. Because I love to torture myself, you know. So he gets here and explains that she kicked him out. I immediately invited him to stay. I shouldn’t have, but he is my father and I still love him for reasons unknown to myself. 3 weeks he stayed with me. I didn’t ask him to contribute with food because he was in between pay checks. I told him at the end of the month when he got paid to just help a bit with the food I fed him. For 3 weeks he lived in my guest room. I washed his clothes, I made breakfast, I bought and packed his lunch, I made dinner, dessert. I took care of him. I finally felt like he and I were making a connection. That he loved me. He actually spoke to me and held a conversation. I was finally feeling a little more complete.
And then one day he didn’t come home. I tried his cell, no answer. I called his assistant at work, he said he left at normal time. For HOURS I was scared out of my mind that something had happened. I worried he had been in a car accident and drove the hour from my house to his work and back. Finally I called my aunt thinking it was the only place else he could be. She informed me that his wife had called him to come home.
He didn’t call me to tell me. He didn’t call me again at all. He never paid me back. He never said thank you. He just went on with his life. Forgetting me all again.
When my son was born in 2008 my brother forced my father to come see him. He stayed long enough that my husband could take a few pictures of him holding my son and was gone again. He didn’t really speak to me while he was here, and I didn’t make an effort to speak to him.
I don’t want my son to know the pain my father makes me feel every day of my life, so I decided it would end there. He is no longer allowed in my life. It makes it easier to think that, makes me feel more in control. It hurts less and less as time goes on, but I know I will really never get over the fact that he doesn’t care. My husband reminds me one day he will wake up and realize he missed my life or realize he really does need me, but I don’t think so.
I hope one day I will wake up and not care he missed my life and wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time needing him. Because I deserve to have people in my life that want to be in my life. I deserve people that love me.
And so do you.
.-= Erin Pyle´s last blog ..Mailbox Monday 3.29.10 =-.
Toni… I’m sorry.
Some people were not meant to be parents.
Dave and I were just talking about this last night, I question my biological mother’s ability to turn me away at every attempt I’ve made. I gave up.. it’s her loss. My six kids, my loving self and the accomplishments that have been made.
You are a great woman.. he’s the one that is losing out!
Toni, sorry to hear this. Sadly to say this is happening to so many around the world. I don’t think fathers really understand the impact on their childs life when they are not involved. You’re right, no child have to compete or perform to be the apple of their fathers eye!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Welcome Mom of the Perpetually Grounded =-.
I’m sorry honey…I love you!
.-= Jen Hinton´s last blog ..I am really good at this =-.
My dear sweet, precious niece,
My heart breaks for you as it has for many years. It appears after 30 years it may be time for you to move on the best way you can. You may never get over the hurt but you will have peace in your heart that you did everything you could to try and have a relationship w/ him.
Like I told you before, continue to focus on your family who cherish you. You have the most amazing family and so much to be thankful for with them!
Toni – Maw, Paw & I are so proud of you! You are beautiful, strong, intelligent and most of all one of the most compassionate people I’ve ever known. You remind me so much of your Mom (who btw is still the same:). We are blessed to have you in our lives:) We have loved you from the day your were born and I promise that will never change.
Bella is so much like you & your mom…she’s always smiling and laughing and that is exactly how you are and used to be! I can still see your little blonde haired self running around smiling and laughing:)
It’s gonna be ok baby, you have so much happiness in your life, nothing can upset you for long!
I love you!
KK
I have no advice just a hug.
I am sorry you are going this, I wish I knew what to say.
((hug))
First I just want to say how sorry I am. I truly am. That is very sad to hear.
Some people were never meant to be parents. My parents give my brothers everything. My 30 year old brother still lives with them. He does nothing. He wont work and he wont help out around the house. I stayed with them for a month several years ago. I was young and down on my luck. My mom dropped me off at a friends house and was supposed to come back for me when she was done with what she needed to do. Well, she never came back and when I called their answering machine picked up and said they weren’t coming back because I didn’t help out around the house enough. Really? WTF!?! I was so angry that on their machine I told her to go F*** herself and said I hated her. I don’t hate her, but I said it. I was very very angry. My dad called me a week later and told me I needed to apologize to my mom for saying that I hate her, because it was hurtful and she was very upset. Really!?! SHE is hurt and upset!?! Please!
Ok…sorry. I started ranting there. The point is, we unfortunately can’t all be blessed with good parents. We could be alot worse off though. Not that your problems are insignificant, I’m just saying, if you step back and look at what some cildren have to go through, it makes you thankful for what you do have.
I am far from the perfect parent, but I will be 1000x better than my own parents! I swear to that!
Toni…I am so sorry for you.
I understand how you feel. My children’s father is the exact same way. It has been over 2 yrs since he has seen our oldest(Jonah) and he has never met our 19month old(Gideon). It is truly his loss not the same for your father. These men will never know what amazing wonderful children they have had, and in time maybe they will regret what they have done. But be sure to know one day they will have to answer for their behavior.
Toni,…
My biological father walked sometime during my first year. Never heard a peep from him until I turned 21 and he mailed me some kind of AA letter that really showed me how fortunate I was that he walked completely. I haven’t had my heart broken by him over and over the way you have because I never had ANY relationship. It’s cruddy both ways – parents should own up to their responsibilities regardless of anything else. I make every effort to be sure that my children will never have any reason to wonder if I wanted them, want them in my life, or love them completely. I couldn’t choose the parent I had – but I can choose the parent I am. That is what works for me. Hugs to you today. You are a strong gal – no one can take that away from you. Even being sad for what you wish you had doesn’t take away your strength…it just shows you are strong because you are willing to feel the pain for what you are missing. That’s totally okay. Don’t beat yourself up for having your feelings. Be proud of yourself!
.-= Aubien´s last blog ..We grow … =-.
I think there are alot of people out there who are high functioning people with mental disorders. That means they are only able to pull off the fact that neither they or others around them are aware that maybe they have a chemical disorder or a disorder where they have blocked off their ability to feel about anyone but themselves, either caused maybe by a childhood problem, injury, infection or such else that affected them deeply. Narcissism, I believe is usually involved in some degree with the illness.
There is an immediate family member of mine that I have not seen or spoken to for five years, who lives in the same town I do. That is fine with me, because this person is only into themselves. This person doesn’t see what they do or how they act affects others around them. I have chosen simply to no longer allow myself to be hurt or played into this person’s little mind games. Though I do not believe this person has the capability of realizing that they are doing the mind games and the victim playing game.
I have come to the point of only having sympathy in my heart for this person because I can only think what a richer, better, happier and less sad life this person could have if they did not engage in the “Woe is me”, self pity party and then the “I’ll be mean by blocking out the needs of anyone but myself” junk they continue to do even after family interventions in the past.
I think you have to get into a self preservation mode, meaning that you just realize that this person was once a part of your life, but will be no longer, so that you can move forward and no longer allow yourself to be hurt by the past that you had with this person, and also not allow yourself to be hurt by any future with this person.
Limit the future with this person as much as possible and you will limit your hurt, anyways it’s been working for me these past five years.
Toni Marie,
Your Aunt KK is so right! We are very blessed w/ Great family! It is HIS Loss and what a HUGE LOSS that is. I Love Maw and Paw dearly… but I hope the next time he needs ANYTHING, they will just ignore his needs as he ignores those who love him the most.
Just one of many of your family members who Loves You very much!
ah hon, I have a deadbeat dad too. I haven’t seen him since I was 7 and have only talked to him twice on the phone since then. I don’t even know my grandparents on his side because he never bothered to tell them about me. Nice eh?
Anyway, I’m so sorry you are being treated so poorly. And there is nothing wrong with having emotions about it. Bitterness doesn’t help anything but a good cry and freak out sometimes do!
*hugs*
I love that you posted your feelings like this. While I have always had both parents in my life, my own son hasn’t. His biological father has not seen him since he was 2 and he is now 10 years old. My boyfriend however has been there for him since he was 13 months old though and although he knows he has a biological father, he still considers my boyfriend to be his dad and he does all the dad things with him and for him.
I’m not sure what the future will bring but I hope my son’s low life dad never makes my son feel like you do right now. I hope you start feeling better soon but I know it’s hard because I feel the same type of feeling that you for towards your father about my son’s situation. Even though he’s young and doesn’t even remember his biological father, my heart aches that any parent could do this to their own child. You seem like a great person and your father has really missed out on a lot.
Keep your head up and remember that you are a great person. I know it hurts, it probably will always hurt but it looks like your mother did a great job and that’s all that matters. ???
Sorry, those ???’s were supposed to be hearts. <3
Thanks for sharing this. I feel the same way about my parents and wondered if anyone else felt the same. Its been 32 years for me and I still set myself up hoping it will change. You have a very caring heart and it is rare, with the help of the Lord above. Most people I know would have turned their back years ago. You have to know that it is a heart condition on their part not yours. All you can do at this point is pray for them. Maybe not today or tomorrow but they WILL one day have to answer for the things they did. This is where I am able to pick up and do on, its a burden in your heart but God also feels it too. But reguardless it still hurts ALOT.
Just know you have been given a chance to take care of your beautiful little ones and give them the love you did not receive!
It’s unfortunate that he does not want to be involved. There are two options that you can do. 1. Leave him alone. 2. Kill him with absolute kindness. Sometimes, parents treat their children with animosity because well.. you probably have what he wanted for himself. Loving spouse, wonderful children.. etc, and you’re right… instead of being happy for you, he avoids you. I am not saying that is it, I am not saying that it’s right, but there is a problem there. I am like you, I love all of my family no matter what… and I’ve found being a caring person, it helps to kill them with kindness. Initiate the calls and visits. Then you can NEVER say, you didn’t try. It’s up to him at that point to capitalize.
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
you are my life… i have very similar daddy issues… i wish i could just “not care” and its funny that the lack of his presence in my life created such an absence.. i’m 25 and still find myself crying of his lack of caring for me. and my children for that matter.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Not everyone who is a father can be called a parent too. I hope things get better between you two with time.
Here’s what I have learned recently: you cannot change another person’s actions, but you can change your reactions. You choose how you want to feel about this. You decide if you’re going to cry for 9 hours or if you’re going to consider it his loss – and feel sorry for him. Maybe he’s incapable of more, maybe he’s not interested in more, maybe he’s stunted emotionally. But no matter what, it is he who is losing out.
And this, unfortunately, is a topic I know MUCH about.
Hang in there…
Sadly, it looks like my daughter will be standing in your shoes when she gets older. My husband never put much effort into her when we were together, and since then … his downward spiral has accelerated.
It’s good to see you’ve grown into a strong woman with good values.