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Dear Daddy….(sorry readers I am having a bit of an emotional day so I needed to get it out)

Daddy…

You know being close to 30 you would think I would get over feeling like you don’t care, have never cared.  The few times I see you every few years you say you love me but I don’t feel it.  Is it that hard to ever just pick up the phone and call me, I tried and tried to leave the ball in your court.  But you know no matter what I have done and how many times I have called you that’s all it is…me giving and giving and never seeming to get anything in return.

 

Would it really be so much trouble to pick up the phone to just call me on my birthday or Christmas or on the kids birthdays, just to let me know you care?  I thought the older I got the less painful it would be that maybe I would be numb to thinking I wasn’t good enough?  As a little girl I cried myself to sleep and as time goes by it doesn’t get any better. It hurts just the same now as it did then.  I just want to know how to numb the pain how to learn to move on and not care.  I am tired of crying.  I am tired of caring for someone that doesn’t seem to care about me.

 

You can tell me it’s because you were young when I was born and that you weren’t ready to be a parent but you know what I was the same age when I had my son and there is no way I would ever in my life let him go a day without making sure he knows that I care and love him.  I would not be able to live if I let him down.  You can say it’s because my mom moved away and took me with her but that doesn’t mean a thing.  If I were separated from my child I would be on the phone with them all the time and visiting or have them come visit all the time.  Distance should never be a deterrent, in fact it should make a parent want to spend every minute possible with their child when they have a chance or call them often if distance is really that big of a problem.  That is what makes a good parent!  Why didn’t you try harder?

 

Maybe you just don’t care, maybe if I could accept that I would quit hurting but then I may become bitter and I really don’t think that is any better.  I am tired of the frustration.  I am tired of the tears.  I am tired of the hole in my heart.  I am tired of asking myself over and over again ‘Did he ever or does he care”.  I am tired of caring that my children may not know their grandfather.  I wish I could say all this to you, but I am tired of putting myself out there to make it convenient for you and me being the one that hurts.   I don’t want to hurt anymore, and I won’t let my kids ever hurt like I did even if that means never knowing you.  Better to never know a grandparent than to know one and get attached and feel like they don’t care.

 

Was it easy for you to not call?  Was it easy to act like I didn’t exist?  Do you ever think of me?  Do you wonder how my children are doing?  Do you care at all?

 

I can thank you for one thing that I will be forever grateful for, I can thank you because you taught me indirectly that it is the most important thing in this world to make sure my kids know I care, to make sure they feel loved.  They will never go to sleep crying wondering if I care, they will never question if I love them, they will always know they are special.  To make sure I see every moment and experience memory I can with them because that is what they will remember.

In the words of Leona Lewis song “Better In Time”

Thought I couldn’t live without you 

It’s gonna hurt when it heals too 
It’ll all get better in time 
And even though I really love you 
I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to 
It’ll all get better in time

For whatever it means, I do love you and even though it seems like it will always hurt me I always will. 

~TonI~

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Toni is a professional lifestyle blogger living on the sunny Florida Gulf Coast. She has a passion for Disney, Travel, Fashion, Cooking, Tech, Family Fun Ideas, Reviews, Giveaways and loves being able to share that with her readers!

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Comments

  1. 1

    Just wanted to send you some hugs.

  2. 2

    HUGS! I think you and I can share some tears being shed!

  3. 3

    Toni, Sweetie… I just really want to go through this computer screen and give you a hug (unless you’re one of those that have space issues, lol).

    Seriously though, I can’t imagine how you feel, but hopefully one day he’ll see how much he’s hurt you and show you that he DOES love you.

    *Hugs*

  4. 4

    I’m so sorry, Toni. Just wanted to send you hugs!

  5. 5

    {{{{Toni}}}} I am sorry you haven’t got the relationship you deserve. It’s his loss…but I know that doesn’t make it hurt less.

  6. 6

    I can sooo relate; I was not close with my dad growing up and once I got older and had kids we started to become close but not the “daddys little girl” I so yearned…then he moved away.

    the only thing I can say that helps me get through is change the way we are with our kids and it seems you are doing that. Once we realize we can’t change how someone is or expect them to be a certain way and feel hurt and dissapointed when they don’t the better we are and we can begin to heal and move on and accept them for what they really are rather than what we want them to be. It still hurts but you are worth so much more. Your kids will have a better life because you try so much harder and love them so much deeper. You are breaking they cycle and instilling in your kids love and guess what; they will be the same way with their children because of the example you set and the loving home you provide.

    I hope time does heal your wounds!

  7. 7

    Toni, you made me cry! How sad. HUGS to you. You are loved by so many people, so hold on to that.

  8. 8

    More hugs!

  9. 9
    Keep It Classy, Jen

    Awww Toni…with or without the help of your dad you have become a beautiful and caring woman. Stay strong even in your moments of weakness!

  10. 10

    I’m sorry, sweetie. my sister’s dad (we’re half-sibs) is just like that and she goes thru the same shit all the time. I never seem to be able to help her so I don’t imagine I have any brilliant words for you but I am sorry you’re dealing with this. kiss your kids and feel good that you’ll never make those mistakes.

  11. 11

    Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. Applaud yourself for rising above his example and being the loving and wonderful mother you are.

  12. 12

    Toni your the best and I love you beyond words. As Maw would say your my heart and soul. I cherish you, love you, bless you and yes you are my favorite older #1 daughter. God blessed me with 4 great children you are on the top of the list #1 ( I guess God knew you wanted to be #1 from the begenning ) love you can’t wait to see you. Read Psalm 139:13-18 Love you forever and a day MOM

  13. 13

    Toni your the best and I love you beyond words. As Maw would say your my heart and soul. I cherish you, love you, bless you and yes you are my favorite older #1 daughter. God blessed me with 4 great children you are on the top of the list #1 ( I guess God knew you wanted to be #1 from the begenning ) love you can’t wait to see you. Read Psalm 139:13-18 Love you forever and a day MOM

  14. 14

    It’s tough. My dad left when I as 2 and didn’t want to see me… And now I’m divorced and my ex is following some of the same patterns with our kids. I don’t get it. I’m sorry you are feeling down. I know I’m a day late, but here’s some big hugs for you.

  15. 15

    thanks for being honest, giving us a look inside your heart. I will pray that the REAL Father inheaven will give you a peace in your heart and that you can begin to heal from the hurt. Allow HIM to fill the void.

  16. 16

    Sending you some HUGS!!!!

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