My friend Mimi posted something and it really got to me well because I was that girl at one time she was posting about. She posted asking why do women stay in abusive relationships because she doesn’t understand how someone could subject themselves or their children to something like that. I shared in her comment my thoughts on why they stay, or I guess more so why I did when I was in an abusive relationship.Here is my story, very paraphrased because well some of the details I would much rather not revisit now or ever, it’s a very hard subject for me to talk about so please don’t judge just read and try to see why there are so many abused out there we need to help. Hopefully a small look into my mind can give you some idea of what others are going through….
Okay I can speak of this first hand. Luckily it was before I had children so no children were in teh midst of it. I was in an abusive relationship and there are several reasons that may not seem valid to others but to the person in the situation they are very valid.
For me it Started with low self esteem, I was getting attention albeit bad attention. I come to think that a lot of these women had either bad fathers or no fathers (not all but most) so the attention is taking the place of what they wanted from their father who did not give it to them. You would think they would look for love that they didn’t get but usually in an abusive relationship the abuser has a way to make the woman feel more loved that she ever has despite the physical, emotional or mental abuse they are dishing out. They hang onto the “love” the guy has for them. when you don’t care about yourself pretty much anyone saying they care and you feel like they mean it will do.
They make you feel bad for your choices and say it’s because they love you that they get so angry and without you their life would be over. Some abusers will threaten to harm friends or family of the abusee and so for fear of another person getting hurt they will stay in the situation, they would rather endure it than have another person endure it. Some may even threaten the children and as a parent you would rather stay and subject yourself to the abuse so that way the abuser doesn’t change course and hurt the children. I was lucky this was before I had children so it was only my life, there were no children to threaten.
There could also be the fact that the abuser threatens to kill or hurt themselves. Now I know you are probably thinking…that’s what they should let them do. But abused people are so broken down that they will think it was their fault someone killed themselves and that is just not something someone in that frame of mind could deal with so they stay for that reason. I remember clear as day the time my ex called me and said he had a gun to his head and if I did not get back to my house (i was at a girl friends house) he would kill himself. I could not breathe and called my mom in hysterics to please go check on him because he couldn’t kill himself I couldn’t deal with that on my conscience and I didn’t want to lose him either because I loved him.
Being abused whether emotionally, physcially, or mentally is not something that should be annoyed about, it’s so hard to fathom it unless you have been there I am sure. The best thing you can do is turn what you are feeling annoyed about them not leaving and use it to try to help them, never give up.
If the people that really loved me gave up or had gotten annoyed that I did not leave and had not continually talked to me and lead me I would probably still be there today and I shudder at the thought of all I would have endured by now and even think about how I could possibly have been hurt beyond repair.
It’s so very hard to even share the undetailed version of my story. I am telling you I come from a very screwed up past (abuse, drugs, and eating disorders). God, Family and Friends are what pulled me through every life battle I went through. I am ashamed of things I chose to do and things I chose to stay in but thankful for the character all of those things built in me.
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Toni Patton
Owner at A Daily Dose of Toni
Hi! I'm Toni. I am a happily married, christian, momma of 3 living on Florida's sunny Gulf Coast. I am a lifestyle blogger and Seint Arist. I started blogging when my last child was born as a way to share my love of all things travel, cooking, beauty, recipes, and more. Now pull up a chair, grab a glass of sweet tea and let's get to know each other. I truly hope you enjoy getting A Daily Dose of Toni!
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popping over from Blog Stalkers…..my sister is finally getting out of an abusive (emotionally) marriage and I see a lot of this in her too…thank you for sharing your story
That was a very brave post. I’ve never been in that situation myself but I have watched dear friends go through similar ordeals. I’m so glad that you are out of that now and here to blog with us. God Bless!!!
Thank you for writing this, Toni. You are so right. People need to stop judging and to start listening, caring, and understanding.
No one knows until they’ve been there themselves. That’s it, that’s all.
Thank you again. And I’m glad you’re ok.
Hugs Toni…
I’ve been there…done that. You are a brave one for speaking out!
Oh Toni… I had no idea. I think youre amazing! You really are one strong ass woman, I know it!!
Thanks for sharing your story. I have a very, very similar past. I posted about it a little while back in my “diggin’ up the past” series of blogs. You can do a search for that title on my coffee with the mrs. blog if you’d like to.
I don’t share a ton of details but I wanted to share something hoping to help someone else someday.
You’re right about those who are annoyed. Being annoyed = not understanding.When you don’t understand, you should pray first and let God be the judge.
I never ‘got it’ until I was in it. The people that never give up are the ones that really care. Great post Toni. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for addressing this Toni not just on my blog (I am the one who asked the question) but here as well. Its hard for me to fathom some of it, yes. But your story helps me to understand, to empathise and to want to help. I aoppreciate you and your struggles. ((hugs))
You are so brave, brave to have gotten out of it in one piece (good for you!) and brave for sharing to help others. I suspect my sister maybe enduring emotional abuse, and she will not listen. What can I do? We live states apart and she knows how I feel about him, so much so she won’t call anymore, so she doesn’t have to hear it. I’m at a loss here…
It’s always easier for those of us that have never endured such a situation to say “why don’t they just leave”. I know I have said that before. You just don’t understand, if it’s not you. Thanks for sharing your story and helping us see the other side.
I think you are right on with the reasons women stay in these types of relationships.
I’m so proud of you for overcoming so much. And, of course you are stronger and better woman for it! 🙂
{{{Toni}}} I stayed, too.
HUGS very well typed Toni.
That was such a brave post to write Toni!! I was in a horrible abusive relationship too…only i had already had my son. Thanks for sharing your story, maybe i can become brave enough to share mine.
Wow, Toni, you and I have more in common than I thought… 🙂 Been there – wrote about it recently on my blog in a weekly segment of the road to my Miracle Baby. 🙂 You are right on the money on how it is and how it is perceived. Thank you so much for sharing! ((HUGZ!))
Like you, I’m so glad all of my experiences with abusive relationships happened before I had my son. I’ve posted a bit of my story before, and it’s not easy. I think it was brave of you to share your thoughts on this!
Hugs!
There is no need for shame, my friend. Once confessed and forgiven God lets go and so should we! Thanks for the transparent post!